A funny thing happened on my way to hell...

I’ve had some interesting heckles in my time, but the most recent one was truly strange.

I had a guy tell me that he was going to pray for me. And not for anything worthwhile either – like that I might win the lottery or that Lucy Lawless might develop an incurable mental disorder that causes her to fall in love with me –no he just wanted God to save my soul.

It happened on Tuesday night. I was supporting Wil Anderson.

My guess was the crowd numbered in at around 350 to 400. I could be well wrong but it’s my story ok?

The material I was doing that night was fairly political, mostly dealing with religious bigotry and that most religious leaders wouldn’t want Jesus to come back because that would mean their little money making scams are over.

Anyhow, I didn’t steal the show or anything but the crowd liked it and when I walked off stage I was met by the Chrimbo in question.

He was so incensed by what I was saying that he actually tried to get me to change my material. He actually said “do you really believe all that stuff you say up there, or do you just say it to get laughs?”

Now to me that’s the equivalent of walking up to him after church and saying “do you really believe this stuff or do you just go through the motions because you think it’s better to be safe than sorry?”

When I explained my position (that I’m not anti-Jesus, I’m just anti religious leaders and having grown up in a strict Catholic household I know what I’m on about) he was even more upset and told me I was going to hell.

I told him that I didn’t think I was, but I appreciated his concern and that I was sorry if I offended him.

He told me he was going to pray for me and walked away in to the night.
Ok, question number 1. If you’re the sort of person that doesn’t like your beliefs to be challenged, what the hell are you doing at a Wil Anderson gig? Stay at home, watch the Vicar of Dibley, and reassure your cat that everything’s going to be “ok” even though they’re making nasty jokes about Jesus.

Pray for me? Pray for a brain you fucksock. Or if anything, pray for me to get a better outfit. Can't believe I wore that hat on stage, I look like I've killed and eaten Wes Carr and made a suit out of his skin.

Just some comics I'd recommend

My friend said something rather ignorant the other day. "There are no good stand up comics from Australia." Obviously I was incensed, as there is some truly great talent out there. But then it dawned on me...plenty of our best have actually headed overseas which is why many people have never heard of them.

So I thought I'd put together a quick youtube anthology for anyone wondering if Australian stand up comedy peaked with Elliot Goblett. I think you'll agree, it did not.

Steve Hughes

Steve used to be the drummer in some pretty famous metal bands (Slaughter Lord, Mortal Sin) and he's a very funny. Sadly, like so many other Aussies, he's headed overseas to make his mark. Probably one of the more political comics out there, I think this guy's great. Enjoy.



Michael Dwyer aka Mickey D

Technically, he's an Australian based stand up these days seeing as he travels the world but he spends the off-season in Melbourne. Mickey earned his stripes in the UK so he's pretty sharp. If you ever get the chance to see this guy, go. This clip doesn't do the man justice. He's a cack in the flesh.



Kitty Flanagan

Kitty is a stand up/tv writer/actawr extraordinaire who made it big in England. I once had the pleasure of her MCing a gig I was in. It was good. The long and the short, you would have seen her on TV before and she's funny as a hat full of anything funny.



Danny McGinlay

Danny is a very funny man. He is a Melbourne man. Go and see him live, such a lovely fella and he knows movies.



Anyone got any others they'd like to share? Hit me up comments wise and I'll check them out.

Just for the record, I'd also rate Alison Bice, Celia Paquola, Josh Earl, Lindsay Webb, Jarrod Fitch and heaps of others.

Oh Fwashman, why do you tweet me so?

What did Australia do to deserve the Young Liberal movement? Are they an evil of our making or did Damien, the son of sin, visit earth for an evening and have a drunken romp with Lady Mary Downer, spawning a brood of foppish, aristocratic bastards hell bent on ruining the nation for anyone that doesn’t have a title or inheritance?

That’s probably the reason we haven’t seen Satan’s son walking the earth; he doesn’t want anyone to know it was him - even he’s ashamed of what he’s done. Should have worn a dinger Damien, now we’ve got ToryTubbies to deal with!

If you haven’t guessed already, I hate every last Young Lib more than finding a cigarette butt in my last beer, and curiously, speaking their name leaves a similar aftertaste in my mouth. Not that I approve of Young Labor much more, but there is a small improvement on their part.

You might think I’m being a little harsh, but when stories like this hits the press, about some little numbers man on a rich-kids’ adventure in Washington DC putting together a list of the hottest women in the young liberal movement to increase their recruitment of men to the party … well I just want to save up, travel to the states and vomit on his face in a very public place.

Hottest women in conservative politics? What kind of twisted porn is that? The very idea, for me anyway, conjures images of Harry Paget Flashman furiously masturbating in Rugby School study to dog-eared lithographs of Adam Smith in drag.

And if you think I’m being harsh to these women, just take a look at them, these are the actual pics he used in his blog. I think you’ll agree they’re at least part Satan.



What the hell? Ayn Rand? In the pool? Not even Josef Fritzl finds this sort "Look how smart I am daddy!" crap attractive. You fail trust fund tart!



This girl turned this bloke to stone with her evil Laissez Faire lap dance. Need I say more? You fail, Smithian succuubus!



Ok this girl is drop dead stunning but the fact that she's a Young Lib makes me want to cry. She should be taken away for re-education so she can live amongst us and possibly even become one of the cool kids. No fail, you're on a fine line missy!



Ayn Rand again? This time by the pool, like some sort of Menzies Institute Lolita! You fail, return to hell and spend some time with your father you evil bint!

Do androids dream of Electric Light Orchestra?

This is more of a tweet than a blog but I thought I'd share it anyway. Imagine if you told a computer you wanted a music video that basically combined all the good elements of NIN, Stanley Kubrick, David Lynch and the Brothers Grimm and I'm sure this is what you'd get.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I had one of those "if I asked you if you'd be doing this one year ago would you have said yes?" moments the other day.

The phone call went like this:

Craig (comedy promoter): "Hey man, just giving you a call to let you know about what gigs are coming up, there's not much for you at the moment I'm sorry, got some really big names hitting town and not enough spots but I'm really keen to see you doing some more work around the later half of this year - speak then!"

Me: "Oh, ok ... guess I'll talk to you when I do."

At this point I'm wondering what I've done wrong, what I've said whilst drunk or who I've accidentally maligned over post-gig pizza, which is always likely given I'm prone to speaking my mind, when suddenly the phone rings back. Once again it's Craig.

"Shit man, sorry I thought you were XXXXX XXXXX! I've got you down for a bunch of stuff ... oh and Wil Anderson is in town to do one show only, I've got you down as his support."



One year ago, if you'd asked me if I'd be supporting Wil Anderson in a major gig, the answer would most definitely have been "no".

To top things off, on Tuesday night I ran in to an old Scottish acquaintance of mine (who MC'd my 3rd ever gig I think?) who is in town for his wedding and he's offered to look after me gig-wise if I can get myself to Scotland for a few months next year.

So pencil it in, I'm off to Scotland for gigs.

It's been a great few weeks comedy-wise. It's been shit personally. My best friend and now ex-girlfriend Em has decided to move to Melbourne without me. We split on Wednesday. We were moving there together but in the end it just wasn't going to work. Sadly, it's all my fault. I'm not a good listener, and I drink too much.

The few Melbournians who read this, if in the coming months you meet a fiery Scottish/Italian redhead with a penchant for Gram Parsons, Split Enz and the TV drama Lost ... be good to her and tell her I said hello.

It's just a theory but ....

I have a certain animistic view of the world when it comes to evil. I reckon there are evil little demons at work, twisting and corrupting the good people, turning our milk sour and putting the chickens off laying eggs.

The bastards.

I say this because sometimes the coincidences are just too bloody obvious; when conspiracy theories are proven to be fact.

I believe I have uncovered irrefutable proof of one such evil force. A force that has taken the soul of one of the world's true environmental champions and corrupted it for the benefit of money hungry capitalists.

It's going to sound way out but here it is.

I believe the soul of John Denver was stolen by high priests of the entertainment industry, corrupted through fell deeds and reborn in the form of Bindi Irwin.

The proof is right in front of you people.

John Denver, born Henry John Deutschendorf December 31, 1943, was one of the most important recording artists of our time. Not only did he, along with artists like Waylon Jennings and Gram Parsons open up the market for wholesome country rock, but he was a true environmental champion, eventually turning his back on the music industry and enormous wealth to become a full time environmental campaigner.

He helped establish wildlife sanctuaries in the arctic, to protect whales and polar bears, and all of this without a single bit of profiteering. In fact, he cost himself millions in the process of doing this.

John Denver was also one of the most highly qualified civilian pilots in the US. He held full jet accreditation and was at one point considered for the space program. He died flying a tiny little plane that according to industry insiders, is almost impossible to crash for a pilot of his skill.

He died on October 12, 1997. EXACTLY nine months later, on July 24 1998, Bindi Sue Irwin was born in Northern Queensland.

This all-singing, all-dancing goblin faced little fucktard with a stripper's name is now one of the most popular and profitable faces in the environmental movement. And all you have to do is look at her face - she is the twisted and corrupted reborn antichrist of John Denver.


The man


...and the antichrist

When I can prove this, I will expose her and the evil priests behind her ascension, to the whole world.

Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?

My girlfriend decided to buy me an early birthday present this year, and there was much rejoicing.

For the record, I turn 30 on Easter Sunday, and if that's not an excuse for a three day party starting on Good Friday then I don't know what is. I was going to call the party The Passionpop of the Christ: everyone had to get slaughtered on Friday night, sleep through Saturday and be resurrected on the Sunday. Maybe slightly sacrilegious, but no worse than turning a beautiful story of pain and self sacrifice into a bunny centric egg fest. No?

But this particular present is a little haunting. First of all, I think it's great and it shows that she truly understands me and my twisted sense of humour and all that, but it's a little hard to put on display.

It's...well...a bronze bust of Hitler. I'll repeat that. My girlfriend gave me a bust of Hitler for my birthday. She found it in a tiny country second-hand shop and "just had to have it." Fair enough Eva, I guess it does match the tapestries in the Eagle's Nest doesn't it?

For the record I am none of the following: neo Nazi, anti-Semite, national socialist, member of the CLP, Libs or the CWA. Hitler is certainly no hero of mine and if pushed I would describe myself as a liberal pacifist. Got that straight? NOT A NAZI. Ok good.

But having said that I'm not backing away from the fact that it's a great present and I say so for two reasons. Firstly, I think it's an important historical artefact and it balances out with my collection of Soviet propaganda and hardcore Christian propaganda comics (man they're homophobic) and secondly, if I can find a bust of Marx or Lenin, I will officially have book ends that represent the political spectrum.

But as much as I think it's a cool present, I can't help but feel ashamed when it's on display. Even when I walk past the brown paper bag that it's kept in I can't help but feel his evil glare assaulting my sense of dignity like a pervert in the bushes.

Why?

I've got plenty of photos of Hitler in books, and I'm not ashamed of them. I've got plenty of books about WWII, the concentration camps and so on, and I'm not ashamed of them. But now that I've got this bust, something that some fascist venerated some 60 years ago that's now in my house ... it's a different story.

But what have I got to be worried about in the grand scheme of things? When I was 12 years old I was in the Kangaroo Creek gang and wanted to be a Catholic Priest ... when the pope was that age he wanted to be a Catholic Priest too, except he was in the Hitler Youth. I guess he must have learned about genocide from the best (read Africa AIDS crisis).

I keep it as a reminder of the evils of this world like a Christian would keep a cross to remind them of the good. But one thing is for sure I'll never forget he's in my house, peering at me through that paper bag like the tooth-brush moustached weirdo that he is.

Which is why this story made me laugh. How could you forget you had a bunch of paintings by the Fuhrer in your shed?